Big Bang Theory has some amusing and interesting insights into the world of nerds and physicists, and the way it depicts the social standing of nerds in America seems very familiar to an Australian viewer. But like most American shows, when it moves on to talking about relationships and gender relations, it’s a whole new world. Because the show presents an outsider’s view of the social relations of ordinary people, it can be quite brutal in its honesty about what I assume are standard American cultural practices, and when it talks about “dating” and relationships I truly find myself wondering: is America really this crazy? So, this blog post is a plea for my American reader(s) to enlighten me about American “dating” culture: is it really so hard for you guys, and is America really that conservative?
This isn’t a problem limited to just Big Bang Theory, either. Watching Friends, I’m struck by the pointless dufusness of the men’s behavior, the knee-jerk “I’m not gay”-ism and the puerile sex jokes that speak of writers uncomfortable with their own and others’ sexualities. Then there is the hideous conservatism of Sex and the City, that bills itself as being all about a new generation of liberated women, whose liberation boils down to … giving out blowjobs for nothing as if this were daring (and of course settling down for the older rich guy at the end[1]). There is the strange and juvenile way that Richard Castle loses his train of thought any time Kate Beckett implies that she might once have done something racy. Or the way that the women in Buffy all fall over themselves to prove how they’re not “sluts,” and perfectly attractive women in even vaguely gothy outfits are routinely referred to as “skanks” – and this from a supposed feminist. But the good thing about Big Bang Theory is that it’s not just reproducing social norms: being a story about outsiders who sometimes try to fit in, we see them on both sides of the fence. Sometimes they engage in the standard mating rituals of the American male, and then sometimes – as in the outstanding episode where Leonard and Penny decide to be “just friends” – they take on those standard rituals.
In that episode, Leonard and Penny go out for a meal as “just friends,” and Leonard takes great pleasure in forcing Penny to pay for everything she consumes, because that’s what friends do. But the clear reason he takes pleasure in this is that, normally, he would be required to pay for everything.
Is this normal in America? When you go on a date, is the man supposed to pay for everything? I was confused about this, finding it really hard to believe that such a backwards ritual could apply in the modern world, especially in a country so supposedly open-minded and equal as America; and after all, television doesn’t depict life just as it is, but often as the writers would like to imagine life should be, so maybe it’s fake? So I did a bit of online research, and I worry that the show might be telling the truth. This Irish website gives tips to Irish men dating American women, and after “don’t get drunk” the number 2 tip is “pay for everything.” This (admittedly more than a little obnoxious) Guardian opinion piece ponders why American women expect to be shouted everything, even when they earn more than the guy (and blames it on that crappy book The Rules); and this dating advice website corroborates another part of Robert Kelsey’s point about American dating tips – that you shouldn’t “make yourself too available,” which is apparently a delicate American way of saying “don’t have sex when you want to.” I found a website by girls seeking advice about dating French men, too, and the top complaint by the women there seemed to be that their Frenchie doesn’t text them every 10 seconds to tell them how great they are – like maybe he’s got a life, or something[2]. The strong implication I drew from these sites is that American women are high maintenance, requiring men to buy them lots of stuff and constantly tell them how great they are[3]. Also something that a lot of people trying to get by in America seem to notice is that the concept of “dating” is unique to Americans. The dating tips website even talks about this as an identifiable social mode:
Whether you are new to the dating scene, are reentering the dating scene, or are a serial dater, you can use dating tips and advice
Well clearly I would need dating tips and advice, since I’ve seen many scenes but I’ve never heard of a “dating” scene. And what is a “serial dater”? Is that maybe someone who just can’t get a root? In Australia, we don’t “enter the dating scene,” we meet people and if we like them and they like us we have sex with them, and at some point we discuss whether maybe we should stop having sex with other people (although often this is just assumed, or just a touch too delicate so we just keep on doing it until we move in together[4]). If someone is meeting a lot of different people of their preferred sex for dinner and drinks, their friends will say “ooh, he’s getting a bit isn’t he?” or “well she’s certainly enjoying her single life” but no one would say “I think Sheila’s dating again…” What a strange concept. Also, if Sheila is meeting lots of different Bruces, one can be fairly certain that most of those Bruces are expecting her to pay half of the bill. She is not, after all, an escort girl, so it’s not like dinner is a business expense. In fact, quite a few Australian women I have known would feel uncomfortable about the implied expectation of having a man pay for your dinner and drinks. How horrible would it be if a woman paid for my dinner and drinks, but I didn’t like her and didn’t want to see her again? I’d feel like a cheap fraud.
Finally, one night I had a long conversation with my (good-looking, well-adjusted) American (Californian[5]) flatmate about this, and he told me that California girls are really complex, and that trying to become entangled with one is a real pain in the arse: not only do they expect you to pay for everything but the whole “dating” thing is a complex job-interview-like assessment, in which your current and future prospects and all you “have to offer” them is on the table. And you know they’re “dating” various other men – openly! – so that you know you’re competing, kind of bidding for a tender or something. I suppose it fits with the rest of the world’s image of Americans as having kind of commodified themselves, but to me the thought of going out looking for a root as being some kind of investment or marketing strategy is quite horrible.
So my question to my American reader(s) is: is Big Bang Theory right? Is it true that men have to pay for everything and women mustn’t fuck on the first date? Do you really openly admit to your dating partner – through the very use of the word “dating” – that you’re seeing other people in the same context, and kind of taking applications …? Just how cold and calculating do you think people are in their assessment of their dating “partners” in such a context? And are American women as complex and princess-y as your dramas suggest? I’ve never had the good fortune of “dating” (or anything else!) one of your Amazonian women, so your culture is foreign to me. So please do enlighten me! If I were Leonard dating Penny, and I refused to pay for her ice-cream, would that be a faux pas? And if so, what do you think of these strange rules? And have you considered moving to Australia, where the women are beautiful and fun and simple and sweet and, quite frankly, easy?
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fn1: At least, that is what I’m led to believe happened – I don’t dare watch the show too much for fear my head would explode from the sheer horribleness of the main characters, not to mention the intense pain brought on by the concentration required to pretend that these hideous brides-of-skeletor are actually pretty women who are capable of sexual enjoyment (though admittedly, all their sexual enjoyment seems to come from giving blowjobs and then telling each other about it, so maybe this last part should make sense).
fn2: spent working hard to pay for the next date, maybe?
fn3: I think there’s a Monty Python scene about this, involving Death and a salmon mousse.
fn4: This is a slight exaggeration, but you get my point, I’m sure.
fn5: Actually, is it possible to be Californian, good-looking, and well-adjusted at the same time? Maybe I missed something!
Compromise and Conceit 
February 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm
I used to work at a publsihing company in Melbourne (in fact I still do, but this was a different one) and there was a woman there whose hobby appeared to be dating. She was signed up on RSVP.com (or a similar site) and she seemed to go on a number of dates each week, mostly with different men. I have no idea what the motivation was here (fun, marriage etc), if she slept with some or any of them or pretty much anything else about it but dating in a US sense isn’t as non-existent here as you might think.
I’ve been on one ‘date’ in my entire life and ended up going out with the girl for nearly 4 years. I have no idea if paid for dinner or the movie we went to see but I figure that if I invited her out then paying isn’t totally absurd.
February 20, 2012 at 7:27 pm
“And have you considered moving to Australia, where the women are beautiful and fun and simple and sweet and, quite frankly, easy?”
Oi! Don’t go calling Aussie girls easy! Some of us are married to Australian girls! Including you, from memory!
February 20, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Some might say that any girl willing to shack up with me has bigger issues than that to contend with, like blindness, terrible taste in men, a life in the service of satan, etc … but more seriously, i hope it’s obvious from this and other posts here that i don’t consider “easy” to be bad at all, but a sign of a liberated culture.
Nick, did you and/or your colleagues consider Miss Serial Dater’s behaviour strange? Maybe it would be less strange in a US context? (I would have just assumed she was on the pull…)
February 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Well, I’m American, fairly conservative, a geek and someone with a dating life on par with Sheldon. So I think I match on about half of your requested topics. But I’ll give you my perspective anyway.
Guys pay for things if they’re serious about a girl, because they want her to know that they’re serious. At least with the people I know, that means “seriously want to consider marriage.” At some point in the past, I think that morphed into where the guy *has* to pay. It’s not just in dating relationships where paying for meals is common, though. Dinner with good friends or family (especially if you haven’t seen them for a while) often ends with one person paying for everyone. Again, it’s to show that you care for the other people. Occasionally, it gets a little silly when multiple people all want to pay.
Aside: Maybe this is a uniquely American way of being polite? I know Americans often get a bad rap for being rude abroad, but maybe it’s just that we’re polite in different ways that don’t get recognized (not to say Americans *aren’t* rude abroad, but in my experience you could say that about people hailing from any country if you wanted to). I remember when I lived in Japan for a semester in college, people were shocked when I held the door for them – something that is just common courtesy in the US.
Moving on, being “easy” is definitely not a compliment in the US. This is true (though less so) even among groups who are more into casual sex.
I could be understanding the context wrong, but my definition for “serial dater” would be someone who always dates and never settles into a more stable relationship.
I think it’s also likely that you have a slanted view of life in both Australia and the US (though in opposite directions). A quick Google search tells me that marriage rates in both countries are similar (although both are declining). It may be that since you’re familiar with Australia and also with the liberal “scene,” you assume the two are synonymous.
February 21, 2012 at 12:03 am
Thank you Fangaud. About familiarity with Australia and the liberal “scene”: I don’t think my experiences there were limited to that, more to a kind of young 20-something working professional world. But I also, for example, spent a lot of time around very suburban, middle-of-the-road kickboxers who would be considered conservative (in “the Shire”) and they seemed to have generally similar ways of conducting themselves. Australia is not a very balkanized place culturally and I get the impression America divides up much more (along race, political and religious lines) than maybe Australia does, so I think my experience is wide enough to be generalizable. Though obviously there are exceptions and some of them are no doubt generalizable to social scenes of some kind – for example, I have a friend who comes from a very wealthy North Shore background, and he largely by dint of his friendship group dates women from similar backgrounds, and when he was younger they seemed to expect him to pay. Ultimately he just gave up on the idea, and treated “expects me to pay” as a sign that the girl was not worth the effort. So maybe then he shifted out of that social milieu, or maybe the milieu changed – but I get the impression that milieu is much, much more conservative than the Australian average. I remember though e.g. once seeing a librarian who worked part time and she demanded that we go to cheaper places so that she didn’t feel uncomfortable about me paying for things – I really don’t think it’s a big part of Australian social culture for guys to pay for girls.
On the other hand, paying for rounds and splitting bills and stuff at parties is considered very important, and someone paying for everyone else would probably be seen as a bit posey and weird. So maybe this hints at a broader difference in American manners[1]
The holding the door thing in Japan is interesting – it’s because in Japan it’s considered embarrassing to have someone do something for you, so you need to try where possible not to do things for other people unbidden unless they really need it. I get this all the time at kickboxing – in Australia it would be really weird to put your gloves on first and then stand their watching while your partner fiddled with the kick pads. But in Japan your partner will get really flustered if you try to help the with the kickpads! So you have to learn to back off and politely wait.
If guys pay for things to let a girl know she’s serious, what do girls do? Obviously they can’t pay for things too … and why does the guy have to pay, and do you think that might be indicative of a certain type of conservatism?
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fn1: interesting parallel there. Once in Chengdu, Sichuan province, China I watched a woman get in a huge row with her dad about paying the bill in an expensive restaurant. They were really arguing about it, and ultimately the woman found some devious way to beat him to the bill – maybe she interposed herself and snatched the docket, and already had her money out, and possibly stuffed her dad’s money back in his hat or something, I can’t remember now – but she had this enormously smug expression after she won the battle and her dad had to meekly put his money away. I’d heard that it is a Chinese thing to fight to pay the bill, though I don’t know if it was true then or now. But it’s cute to imagine groups of people getting into huge fights over who gets to pay. As an Australian, I’d no doubt happily sit back and watch with amusement as everyone else fought for the right to pay for me …
February 21, 2012 at 7:59 am
Actually, in Australia I’ve had discussion on who’d get the bill. Mostly over taking people out for their birthday and the like – the birthday person will generally volunteer to pay a share and get shut down by the rest of the group. It would be nice if we had some better standard ways of just gracefully saying thanks.
And in Oz I find a massive expectation about paying for your round when drinking. I’ve lost count (and the memories) of the number of times I’ve been drunkly swaying waiting for my chance to pay for a round of drinks so that I can gracefully leave a pub.
February 21, 2012 at 9:54 am
Thinking about this last night, I thought I should clarify that by “Easy” I don’t mean the horrible stereotype of a woman who has sex with anyone who asks (does such a person exist), but a person who has sex with people they are interested in, without much fuss or drama. i.e. in this formulation “Easy”=”standard (stereotypical) male behavior”. It just happens that there’s no word for a woman who behaves in this way that doesn’t sound bad. And when a man does it, there is no adjective to apply to it at all, since “normal” doesn’t demand a special phrase.
I also find the round culture quite pernicious. When you’re with more than 3 people and don’t want to get drunk, you either have to end up out of pocket or look cheap. It’s even worse in Britain, too, because the serving sizes are larger.
In Japan people quite often (at least at work) openly have this calculation: the senior people earn more so consciously divide up the bill. “I’ll pay 5000, you pay 2000 each” type stuff. It’s all very open and clear, and the responsibility is based on seniority and earning power. Now that I have students, I’m on the wrong end of this arrangement without ever having benefited from the other side of it (since I was never an undergrad here). Oh well …
April 5, 2012 at 10:03 pm
I believe that’s how it is in the real world. Men are expected to pay everything while you’re still in the early stages of your relationship. Once things start getting serious, that’s when the women should chip in.
Of course, the women are expected to always do the check dance.